Kosher Eucharist / יוקאריסט כשר

I know this might be hard to believe, but when Mikeleh and I lived together, I used to do things deliberately to annoy him. Unsurprisingly, when he syarted to frum out, this got a lot easier. I found that I could keep him at bay with a pork rind, much like a vampire with a crucifix, and so I would chase him hither and yon with one. I justified this by telling people I was exercising him. I also learned that “Jew” could be inserted into a number of words to make fusional compounds, for instance:

“Where are you going?”

“The kosher store.”

“Oh, the Jewpermarket?”

“Yes, the fucking ‘Jewpermarket.’”

“Bring me some Jewp*. And a book about the Jewpernatural. And try to look Jewbilant.”

This was hours of fun for me, because au fond I am a sadistic six-year-old - specifically, a sadistic six-year-old with an eating disorder. I love to eat. It is my favorite activity. It edges out sleep because I’m conscious to enjoy it; it beats sex because I don’t have to worry about someone else’s feelings or stand in a ridiculous position because of an inconvenient height difference; and it’s more fun than saying bad words because “pig-fucking ringmeat son-of-a-bitch shitass addle-brained buttcunt” is only fun for as long as it takes to say, but the taste of a good meal lingers. Ever since I’ve been gonna come to Israel, Mikeleh has been raving about the food. The fruit. The hummus. the falafel. The Balestinian children kabobs. Naturally, I expected this to be another bout of Jewish lies, like global warming, heliocentrism, and the non-existence of zombies.

Well, for once, dear readers, I was wrong, so write it in your diaries.

Mikeleh greets me at the airport with a Coke and a bag of Bisli. The Coke is make with real sugar, not high fructsse corn syrup, so it actually tastes good. Bisli is… okay, those crunchy round noodles they give you at Cinese restaurants for soup? Imagine that those are more delicious and surprisingly filling. The bag features two people who appear to have birth defects (cartoon characters traditionally have four fingers, guys, not six) and the ominous warning “Protect from Sun,” which now that I think of it might be just a warning about skin cancer, but the contents… mm. Num. So then we get to the house, where there is fruit and beer. Goldstar is a delicious beer, and I will not hear otherwise. The strawberries were the best I have ever eaten - imagine you’ve only ever seen Lifetime movies and then you watch “Gone with the Wind.”

Later, I got a falafel pita. There are no words. I had to sit down. I didn’t know food could be that good without sour cream.

Now, I’m trying Super Drink, which I have a hard time not writing SUPER DRINK! The grapefruit Super Drink was delicious. Now I’m trying the “Cocktail” flavor. It… bewilders. It’s blue, and somehow you don’t taste it as long as it seems you ought to. I don’t know what kind of cocktail it’s supposed to be. Maybe I’ll mix it with arak and see if that unlocks its superpower-generating capabilities. Arak, by the way, is kind of bad - imagine if absinthe had a stronger taste and no cachet for being illegal. The bottle offers “a true Lebanese experience,” which I assume means that if you send in a proof of purchase a Syrian comes to your house and orders you to shoot at some children.

Get it? It’s funny because Lebanon is awful.

Anyway, I can’t wait until Mikeleh gets up and we can go eat more! Also see a historic and beautiful city.

*Jewp is Tradition brand kosher ramen, and is is supremely delicious. It costs many times what regular ramen does, though, because kosher things are more expensive than clam extract and powdered leek (both of which I have seen in Ramen ingredient lists.)