The dark side of Birthright.
February 15th, 2007 by michael
The vagaries of my employment forced me today to spend a couple hours watching videos posted on YouTube by alumni of Birthright Israel (or, ahem, “Taglit-birthright israel,” because if you don’t suspend your understanding of written English syntax and make like e e cummingstein when you refer to his blessed program Michael Steinhardt will punish you by gyrating against your young body like Lynn Schusterman at a Mega-Event). Don’t ask me why.
I was already unhappy with this diversion, because I was listening to Gilberto Gil and Jorge Ben’s Gil e Jorge, which is a fantastic album, and it kept getting interrupted by the soundtracks the children had chosen to immortalize their precious tAgLiT-bIrThRiGhT iSrAeL memories – usually U2, or techno, or some similar ostentatious Jewish pride music.
Gilberto Gil & Jorge Ben – Taj Mahal
But, as always, the worst was yet to come. You see, in its admittedly admirable quest to introduce every Jew to their heritage, 7@91337-81r7hr19h7 1sr@31 inevitably winds up scraping the vomit-soaked bottom of the Unaffiliated American Jew barrel. Sometimes these unfortunate souls can surprise you by being valuable contributors to the trip, but the general experience is more like so: acting on hardwired instinct, they seek out others like them (usually beginning in the airport), and by the time the group arrives in Israel, their cellular structures have broken down and they have fused together, forming a collective organism composed mostly of khaki and reeking of Calvin Klein Obsession, which oozes towards the back of the bus and spends most of the trip yelling “WHOOOOOOO!” until somebody placates it with grain alcohol. And sometimes, it even makes videos.
Almost every back of the bus on almost every trip is the same. I was thankfully spared an invasion of these types on the trip I led last summer, but then again, some of the girls on the trip, the future mothers of the next generation of the Children of Israel, put up a sign in front of the last few rows of the bus reading “Reserved – Rosa Parks Club 466.” I vaguely considered carefully explaining to them that not only was this offensive in roughly six different ways, but also that Rosa Parks’ entire significance stemmed from her decision to sit in the front of the bus – but then I realized that there were better uses of the rapidly-passing seconds of my life, such as crying and cutting myself.
But I digress. I’ve watched a dozen videos of Birthright idiocy on Youtube (the car-wreck effect and all). I’ve been on a taglit-BIRTHRIGHT ISRAEL trip. I’ve staffed a תגלית-זכות מלידה ישראל trip. And I have to know: where do these identical borderline-mentally-handicapped, alcoholic, chubby, hirsute and most of all deafening Jewish frat rats come from?
So I did a little research. I discovered, unsurprisingly, that the source of this blight is the same that has caused so much other suffering for the peoples of Israel and America: Al-Qaeda.
This innocuous-looking Jersey City warehouse holds a dark secret, an integral cog in radical Islam’s plan to bring the Western World and specifically the Jews to their knees. Long tables are lined with thousands of petri dishes, all containing the cloned genetic material of an AEPi brother kidnapped by radical elements during a trip to Israel in 1997. Seizing upon the new technology of cloning and genetic engineering, Al-Qaeda’s scientists used their captive frat boy’s DNA to create a veritable army of genetically-identical, Dave-Matthews-and-college-football-lovin’ Jewish frat boys, artificially aged in tanks and continuously released upon the American Jewish population, whereupon they follow their programmed instincts and travel on Birthright in order to inflict boundless torment and misery on the hated population of the Jewish State. Through a combination of sheer force of “WHOOOOO!” and the steady genetic weakening of the non-cloned Jewish population (the clones’ second-biggest instinct after pursuing their alcoholic fuel is mating), Al-Qaeda hopes Israel will crumble, allowing a massive popular Arab surge to finally sweep the remnants of the Jews into the sea.
Don’t let them. Neuter a frat clone today. Save Birthright. In doing so, you will have saved the Jewish People.
Posted in hymietown, israel isn't like america | 15 Comments »
February 15th, 2007 at 21:29
For the record I went on Taglit-birthright Israel and did not make a Youtube video.
I went a couple of years ago, when the Israel situation was decidedly dicey (piguot were fairly common), which I think helped to skim some of the chaff off of the trip. It was a pretty good group including a former US marine, guy getting his PhD at MIT, and a girl who had hooked up with Jay of Jay and Silent Bob.
Also one idiot douchebag. But still, it is possible to get lucky. And also to get “lucky.”
February 16th, 2007 at 0:04
If only there was a trip that brought all of AEPi to, say, Baghdad for a few days. Insurgents would be scared shitless. End of problem. Now if we could just leave them there, that’d be ideal.
February 16th, 2007 at 2:37
You know, it’s almost enough to (choke) make me proud of being a cave-dwelling, swine-eating Gentile.
Almost.
February 16th, 2007 at 3:03
Annie – piguim! Also: douchebag. Nice. Doesn’t the dark side feel good?
Tamar – they would breed, and then we would have radical AEPi Islamic terrorists. The parties would be awful. No booze, and if the girls didn’t drink the roofie-spiked fruit juice, they would just have to be awake for the nonconsensual sex. And instead of “WHOOOOO!” it would be an equally loud “AL HAMDU LILLAH!” No. That won’t do at all.
February 16th, 2007 at 3:10
Michael–
Did you know that your uncle was a (non-pledged) member of AEPi?
Sad but true.
February 16th, 2007 at 3:16
Eww.
February 16th, 2007 at 3:20
They were the football fraternity at USC. He either had to submit to an unofficial affiliation, or have his head dunked repeatedly in the toilet for being a “douchebag.”
February 16th, 2007 at 8:49
And tamar wonders why I don’t want to live in NY…
February 16th, 2007 at 19:40
Michael- thanks for the correction. As Hebrew is not my first (or even second) language, I have a great deal of difficulty with gendered nouns.
And I’d like to point out that there was not a single member (brother?) of AEPi on my bus. Not the one.
Although the bus with kids from Queens college was full of them. Or half-full. The other half were first generation Russian immigrants. Talk about an interesting trip.
February 19th, 2007 at 19:00
[...] How’s that for obscure Portuguese music Uncle Michael? Am I hip? Can I go on your birthright Israel trip now? Zabaj is the brainchild of Jacob Shwirtz, the machine behind blufr and the guy who dances funny in whereinisraelisjacob.com. [...]
February 22nd, 2007 at 20:29
What you don’t know is that this group of guys were actually the most observant jews on the trip. In fact, when our trip organizer allocated only 30 minutes at the Kotel, we all demanded more time there so we could all put on our tefillin and have our spiritual time. The 40 people sitting towards the front of the bus chose to do souvenir shopping over spending more time at the Kotel. At the end, we got one of the Madrichs to accompany us for the additional hour we wanted to spend there. So for your uninformed, fake-jews, don’t be so quick to judge one by its cover. You can’t blame us for trying to entertain ourselves when we get no more than 4 hours of sleep and spend 20 hours running around.(that’s just how birthright has to do things to show you all of Israel in 10 days). Is there something wrong with having fun? You who go to Israel only to study and learn are missing out on a wonderful country that is beautiful and enjoyable and if you think the only way to enjoy Israel is in a synagogue, you are extremely narrow minded. Good luck in your life and I feel bad for you wife (if you are married or ever will get).
February 22nd, 2007 at 22:04
Oh, I’m not religious, and I sure as hell didn’t move to Israel to study or learn. I did because it is, as you say, a beautiful and enjoyable country. But it’s cute that you’re attempting to justify yourself according to standards you’ve projected onto me!
But seriously, no, there’s nothing wrong with having fun. I promise, though, that everyone around you appreciates it when you have fun at a slightly lower decibel level.
February 23rd, 2007 at 20:59
Dear guy who took that video,
I’m not sure how being an observant Jew and being a douchebag are somehow mutually exclusive.
On top of that, I’m not sure how demanding to have time to wear tefillin once over the course of ten days even warrants the label of “observant”.
In front of a wall, no less.
You should look into what Yeshayahu Leibowitz had to say about that wall. I’m sure you know who he is. You’re informed and stuff.
And just so you can stay informed, the plural of madrich is madrichim.
Sincerely,
An uninformed, fake Jew
February 25th, 2007 at 1:57
There are a number of things that ought to be explained here. The people in the video are not frat boys. They are Persian Jews from LA.
I hate frats more than anyone I know, but there is a big difference between stereotypical frats and Jewish frats – painting all frat members with one broad stroke is as ignorant as calling all Jews cheap.
Last summer I was a madrich on a trip that was made up of about 50% frat/sorority members. I fully expected a nightmare and instead was pleasantly surprised. The participants were well informed about Israeli politics, knew ALL the shabbat songs and were basically a dream group. At the end of the trip I apologized and told them about how I had pre-judged them and how wrong I was.
Problems on a trip can come from all kinds of people – some are frat boys, others are older participants resenting the need to follow rules, some are rowdy and boisterous groups and/or indviduals while others are straight out asocial or anti-social.
I think you need to reconsider your post.
February 26th, 2007 at 3:31
I think you need to reconsider you mother!