I just have to say this.
February 26th, 2007 by michael
For some reason, every travel guide to Israel, every (rightfully) gushing online review of its culinary life by a returning tourist, must include in its required segment on falafel and shawarma the caveat “Israelis know how to eat falafel and shawarma without spilling a drop, but you’ll be dripping techina all over your shirt and wind up with half your sandwich on the street.” Or something like that.
This is untrue. The simple, fundamental truth is that if you can’t eat a techina-laden falafel without spilling it all over yourself and everyone around you, it’s not because you’re not a native-born Israeli, it’s because you lack the necessary social skills to function in public, you fucking baby. You’re probably one of those bastards who slurps from spoons, or gets that throat-clicking noise action going when you chew, and I hate you for it. When I had my first falafel in Israel, I didn’t spill it all over myself. Even the Goy managed to eat his first Israeli falafel with dignity, panache and a hummus-free T-shirt, and if you know us, you know that our activities rarely wind up with dignity and T-shirts intact. If you finish a falafel with hummus flecking your cheeks and techina on your shirt, this is the Lord’s way of telling you that you’re a bad person. Just give up now.
And don’t ever let me catch you at my fucking falafel stand ordering in English. I don’t even know how that’s possible given that most of the relevant words are the same in both languages, but somehow, you people manage. If you can get through the Amidah three times a day - dosim, I’m looking at you - you can handle ordering a sandwich in the language of your people.
There. I said it. And I feel a lot better now.
Posted in things we have eaten, israel isn't like america |
February 26th, 2007 at 21:52
Tour books assume (and rightfully so) that Americans as cultural ambassadors are boorish idiots.They are generally speaking to the same audience that thinks that shorts are acceptable wear with sneakers and high socks.
February 26th, 2007 at 22:04
I think it’s the politeness factor that’s the root of the problem. You can’t daintily eat felafel, but every day on King George fifty Sem girls try, and it’s nauseating and results in a runny techina mess. It’s not a fucking brisket, you may not have a fork, lick your damn fingers. Eat your felafel like it’s business.
February 26th, 2007 at 22:05
Okay, yeah, but even the average American doesn’t walk around with a torrent of food spilling down the front of his shirt at all times because he can’t figure out the optimal bite size-to-structural integrity ratio of his sandwich. At least, I don’t THINK so…
February 26th, 2007 at 22:07
Oh yeah, the dainty nibblers are another pet peeve. Do you daintily nibble hot corn on the cob? Hot dogs? Pizza by the slice? It’s street food, goddammit, treat it accordingly!
February 26th, 2007 at 23:09
It’s only FOOD, fer crine out loud. Not like we’re talking about world peace here…
February 27th, 2007 at 17:06
One of the most offensive things I have ever heard in this country was when a seminary girl walked into Maoz on King George (or Goerge as the signs say) and asked for “a Schwarma in a wrap.” A wrap! You don’t deserve to eat Schwarma if you call a laffa (or eshtanur) a wrap.
February 27th, 2007 at 23:13
OK, I totally agree with the English thing.
But the falafel place on Ben Yehuda is messy! Especially if you get it with tahina and cru (cole slaw)!!!
February 27th, 2007 at 23:55
Cake - if I had been there, I would have ended her. Right there in the restaurant.
amechad - kruv in your falafel? Eww. No. Techina: yes. Cabbage: no. Also, pickles: no. There is no debate here.
February 28th, 2007 at 3:43
OK… every falafel place in NYC puts all the stuff inside a pita. Every falafel place in SF wraps it up in a big square of lavash like some kind of burrito.
Which is right? Both? Neither?
February 28th, 2007 at 7:11
both are acceptable, depends on the hunger of the eater. However, Michael’s discrimination againt hamutzim will not stand, man. How dare you, you pasty eastern european, (dare I say it?) Intellectual pass judgement on the inclusion of ANYTHING in a felafel?
Don’t you know that for many people, it’s the only food they eat all week, and you want these people to pass up on a free addition to their diet?
For shame, michael, for shame.
When the revolution comes, I will personally ensure that you are among the first against the wall.
February 28th, 2007 at 13:00
Huw - technically pita is the more correct, because lavash doesn’t exist around here. But there is laffa, which is a kind of round, chewy Iraqi flatbread, and everywhere has those. So it’s a similar idea, but they’re not closed at the top like a burrito.
Mayer - how dare you call me an intellectual, law school boy? Go suck your torts. I will persist in my campaign against chamutzim because, goddamit, they’re wrong.
March 1st, 2007 at 3:24
Pita. Good to know I got proper training before I moved to SF. Lavash makes really tasty falafel, however.
Slaw? Pickles? Gack.
But then I like eggplant and fries on mine. (Aka the Falafel Deluxe from “Truly Mediterranean” in SF.)
Are torts made with lavash or pita?
March 1st, 2007 at 3:40
torts are made when I stick any of the above (or perhaps my foot) up Michael’s ignorant ass, and said sticking is done without his consent.