Kosher Eucharist / יוקאריסט כשר

You may remember my mild confusion as to why the Hebrew University continues to send me little messages and reminder e-mails more than a year after I stopped attending their august institution. Here was the last one:

Dear Michael,

I hope that your spring semester is getting off to a great start! Although it may be hard to believe, it’s already been about a year since you left Israel.

Apparently they’ve noticed that this tactic wasn’t eliciting the desired response, whatever exactly that may be, so they decided to ramp up their efforts in two crucial areas: treacly cutesiness and sheer incorrectness. Observe:

Dear Michael,

Believe it or not, it has now been nearly two months since you were soaking up the Jerusalem sun! While you curl up with a cup of cocoa (if you’re in New York, at least) we want to remind you to please tell us about your experience abroad by filling out our very short survey:

Oh, such exquisite torture! My hat goes off you, black-hearted Hebrew U. e-mail monkeys, unflinching tormentors of the human spirit! Soaking up the Jerusalem sun - the very deliciousness of the irony! One might almost think that not only was I not still in Jerusalem, but that this golden city on seven hills hasn’t bestowed upon me frigid temperatures, ceaseless days of rain, an ever-growing mold infestation, a persistent sniffle and a worsening cough!

Also, for you monkeys’ information, I have never curled up with a cup of hot cocoa. Our relationship is very mature and business-like, and we both know what we came to do: I came to slurp down that hot cocoa, and the hot cocoa came to leave me feeling thirsty, bloated and vaguely dissatisfied - much like most of my liaisons. We certainly don’t curl up afterwards. We try to keep it free of emotional entaglements.

Honestly I’m a little worried that this latest missive is a happy-face Band-Aid on a long-festering, gangrenous wound. Now that they’ve tried and failed with the sugar-coated approach, I fear their next e-mail may not be so friendly…

Dear Michael,

We know that it probably just seems like a few short days to you, because you’re having SO MUCH FUN WITHOUT US, but it’s been four months since you decided to leave us all alone here in the Middle East. All. Alone. No, we don’t mind. We’ve come to accept it. Our therapist says we have a tendency to form irrational attachments. Anyway, it may interest you to know, you BASTARD, that we’ve wired Ta’ami, your favorite hummus restaurant, with 100 kilos of C4. If you won’t love us, Michael, we’ll make sure you won’t love anything. We have our fingers on the button. Fill out of the survey, Michael. GOD HELP YOU, MICHAEL, FILL OUT THE SURVEY RIGHT - FUCKING -NOW!!! WE ARE NOT FUCKING AROUND WITH YOU, MICHAEL!

Thank you again for your participation!

You know they spam me with text messages too? Yeesh.