Kosher Eucharist / יוקאריסט כשר

Black bunting is hung over the Kosher Eucharist offices.

Mikeleh is sitting in the corner, rocking back and forth chanting “I want to be a horseman, as my father was,” with a pillowslip over his head to create a private space.

I am curled up in bed - I haven’t left it in three days - drinking pot liquor out of a mason jar, watching Gone with the Wind and trying not to cry.

We have failed. We failed you, cherished readers, we have failed God, and, closest to our hearts, we have failed ourselves.

As of late yesterday morning, Kosher Eucharist was not banned in Red China.

How? How did we fail? Don’t we both belong to religions? Haven’t we admitted to various illicit actions, both chemical and otherwise? Haven’t I openly confessed to certain practices fashionable in a certain destroyed-by-God city?

And what about this? And this? Or this?

The other day, I actually typed “Death to the Chinese Communist Party!” What more can we give?

Not being banned in Red China makes me question who I am, and what this site is, on a deep and fundamental level. Have we lost our edge? Are we “toned down?” Has Kosher Eucharist, God forbid, become…sweet? A snuggly corner of the web, rife with affirmations and cuddly, inclusive grammar, a place where people of all races, nations, creeds and colors can come together in a loving embrace of sibling-hood? A haven for troubled members of the GLBTHIJKLMNOP community to discuss their feelings without fear of judgement? A place to share stories about your cat?

Well, fuck that, and fuck Mr. Nibbles - I don’t care if he did learn how to work the ice machine. Kosher Eucharist is based on a few firm and basic principles: The word “fuck,” sarcasm, gleeful offensiveness, and the verb “to snark.” We are not sweet, we are not cuddly (unless you know we’ve been drinking and no one’s around sometimes but YOU ARE NOT TO KNOW OR JUDGE THIS), and a fierce resistance to what we consider bullshit and communism, let me say here and now, is bullshit. We will be banned in China, by hook or by crook or by streaking Tiemnamen Square. And so:

Communism is a religion practiced only by fools or opportunists. Twee little college freshman buy twee little Che Guevara shirts in a feeble attempt to rebel, ignorant both of his genuine ambition to attack the United States with nuclear weapons and the fact that, had the revolution come, they would be the ones who had their Chuck Taylors and floppy hair against the wall first. For people so desperately, fatally image-conscious, they are somehow unable to recognize how very, very stupid they look. Mao Zedong was a butcher, nothing more. Hu Jintao is welcome to fellate me, if he can pry himself away from his busy schedule of masturbating to “Animal Planet” and killing political dissenters. The Republic of China, also known as Taiwan, is the legitimate government of all China and shalll not be governed by the monsters on the mainland. Richard Nixon was a traitor and a fool to recognize the Communist government. Tibet is not part of China, and will again be independent. I hope a tropical cyclone hits Shanghai. Better dead than red.

Let’s see you let THAT past the Great Firewall of China.