The Perks of Being a Cocksucker.
April 28th, 2007 by chris
So often, we hear about the health risks of man-on-man love. Social diseases, various “tearings,” and the threat of hellfire are tossed back and forth in the media like large, gloomy beach balls. Few, however, have dared break the story of the scientifically proven health benefits of being a dyed-in-the-wool, Grade A, so-gay-it-hurts five-alarm faggot - to wit:
Bitch drinks are good for you. A University in Thailand, working in conjunction with the USDA, has discovered that slathering fruit - especially antioxidant-rich “brightly colored” fruit - with booze helps preserve the nutrients in the fruit: this in addition to the health benefits of “small” amounts of alcohol as touted by the “one glass of red wine” people. Hear that? Put down your reasonably priced Jack and Coke, your “masculine enough” whiskey sour, and your classy martini. If you want to be healthy and vital long into senesence without resorting to the labor-intensive and increasingly rare blood of virgins, order one of those $20 six-kinds-of-fruit-and-four-drops-of-Malibu-rum panty-removing emasculations in a Collins glass with a “racy” name like “Taking Liberties in the Back of an Automobile.” Your friends will call you “Princess Valentina,” and you’ll go broke and diabetic trying to get drunk enough to Karaoke “Like a Prayer,” but you’ll dance at their funerals.
Secondly - what’s the thing about being gay that makes everyone uncomfortable to talk about? The thing that really puts the sausage in the “As gay as a” picnic basket?
The anal sex with other men. Ignoring the various back-and-forths various commentators have made about “just how explicitly?” various compilations of Holy Writ have condemned the practice, some good news has managed to sneak in the back door. According to “an article my friend Caitlin read a few months ago that we can’t either of us find now but seems to be faintly backed up by Wikipedia,” getting man-banged like a trash can lid can notably reduce the risk of prostate cancer. The idea seems to be - in coarse, layman’s terms - that regularly squeezing/knocking/whatevering the fluids within the prostate out is good for it, for some reason.
So anyway, the next time you’re drinking neat whiskey, scratching your ass in public, or making tender love within the sacred bonds of Holy Matrimony, think about that.
Posted in bea arthur |
April 29th, 2007 at 8:50
Sham-marry me?
April 29th, 2007 at 8:53
Bitch, you BEST back up off my MAN. Do you hear these finger-snaps? Do they ring with a threatening finality?
April 29th, 2007 at 9:49
Wow, yeah, this is totally the gayest blog I read.
And that’s saying a hell of a lot.
April 29th, 2007 at 10:49
I suspected that it might come to this. You seem like a fairly cool dude and everything, but thinking that means I’m not ready to fucking.fight.you. would a potentially fatal mistake. However, if you’re down to ride as far as shamolygamy goes, I MIGHT be willing to spare you.
April 29th, 2007 at 10:50
Sorry, I left out a “be” between “would” and “a”. My bad.
April 29th, 2007 at 19:48
I do swear–on the grave of Pope John Paul II, which is a HUGE deal for an Irish Catholic girl–that in the annals of either CNN or MSNBC there is an article about homosexuals having lower rates of prostate cancer.
I remember this because I read it at my internship, and found it so interesting I read the whole article to several people in office. Even in a liberal feminist non profit no one else had as much interests in the article or found the information fascinating. I think it is because lesbians don’t really care about prostate cancer…
April 29th, 2007 at 22:58
Caitlin, that may well be because women don’t have prostates - even the dykiest of lesbians don’t have the love lump.
April 29th, 2007 at 23:10
Rachel - ultimately, this is going to come down to which one of us owns a PS2 and Dynasty Warriors 5. And I do. In the sage and timely words of Brandy and Monica, the boy is mine.
April 30th, 2007 at 0:09
Well, i seem to have ignited a lovely furor, which is always my goal. The only real question I have is:
Love lump?
April 30th, 2007 at 0:45
On the matter of draining the prostate, the same health benefits have been linked to chronic masturbation.
I am going to live forever.
April 30th, 2007 at 3:32
Robbie- You should find an intellectual property lawyer NOW and copyright the term love lump before it is made into a bad gay dance song (with awesome disco beats)
April 30th, 2007 at 4:24
Michael:
Silly me. Of course a pasty gamer nerd who probably suffers from severe ocular degeneration and muscular atrophy (having really strong theumbs doesn’t count) could take on a ticking time bomb of fury with a reckless disregard for life and limb, an unhealthy interest in medieval Scandanavian battle tactics, and a little “problem” with PCP–and expect to win.
You don’t need him like I do. Step and die, chickenhead.
April 30th, 2007 at 4:25
“Thumbs”, apparently I can’t type. But I can kick your ass.