Kosher Eucharist / יוקאריסט כשר

A Day in the Life:

Dolly Parton – 9 to 5

8:45 A.M. – Arrive “at 8:30.” Open breakfast of weird New Zealand “Extreme” granola bar. Listen to discussion between bosses about how fucked we all are if we’re in this building “when the big earthquake hits.” Open Gmail and begin chat with The Jew.

9:10 A.M. – Assure boss that I have enough to keep me busy.

9:20 A.M. – Drag out five minutes worth of word processing to fifteen minutes so I look busy until boss goes to meeting.

9:40 A.M. – Read various blogs. Respond to rabble on own blog, many of whom use phrases like “love lump.”

10:10 A.M. – Actual work: make list of people whose licenses to attend post-mortems of food animals for safety inspection purposes have been revoked by the Ministry of Agriculture. Marvel at the unattractiveness of people whose job it is to check cow organs for disease. Wonder if the job requires homeliness, or if the job makes you homely. Resolve never to have a job that involves looking closely at animal lungs. Wonder what these people did to be revoked. Hope it was a sex scandal.

10:35 A.M. – BORED. Write blog post about average day at work.

11:05 A.M. – Return to list.

11:10 A.M. – List is good enough.

11:30 A.M. – Conversation with Jew takes a turn for the Reilly. Fear, briefly, for own soul.

12 noon – “Mickey, Mickey, you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind – Hey, Mickey!”

12:05 – “Oh, Mickey, you’re so pretty, you don’t understand…”

12:10 – Wikipedia something. Anything. “Baronet.”

12:40 – Have made it from “baronet” to “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

12:42 – Have made it from “Total Eclipse of the Heart” to “Island gigantism.” Wikipedia fucking rocks.

12:59 – Argument with Jew erupts over whether I can color in Colombia on my “Map O’ Conquests.”

1:02 – Color in Colombia despite Jew’s objections. He can get his own map. And his own moderately-amusing-in-hindsight sexual escapades.

1:05 – Color in other countries. Covet the amount of coloring I’ll get to do for Russia, Canada, or Australia. Plan which countries I need to join my conquests to each other. This involves a lot of small, new Balkan countries. Realize futility of trying to sleep with a Montenegrin.

1:15 – “You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand…”

1:25 – “Update” a “document.”

2:00 – Lunch! I have waited this long because the Indian restaurant across the street sells things cheap after two o’clock. Order some variation of “Meat in a Vivid Sauce.”

2:30 – Wander aimlessly for the rest of my lunch hour, trying not to look like a drug addict. Fail at this.

3:10 – Back at “3 o’clock.”

3:15 – “Oh, what you do, Mickey, do Mickey…”

3:30 – File something.

3:35 – Boot flask time!

3:40 – Talk to friend Robert on google chat. Today’s topic: cloacae.

4:05 – GETTING PAID TO BE DRUNK AND TALK ABOUT BIRD GENITALS WOO

4:07 – Apologize to boss for “Woo!” Blame it on Communists. And inadequate food safety.

4:12 – Boot flask is empty. Sad.

4:21 – “It’s guys like you, Mickey!”

4:32 – Bosses leave! Huzzah!

4:33 – Continue exactly what I was doing before they left.

5:15 – Leave at “5:30.”

And New Zealand’s food is safe for another day.