Kosher Eucharist / יוקאריסט כשר

For Harley, with love, and abundant cynicism:

If by the end of this mix you have not wholly internalized misogyny, you’ve proven yourself a feminist so steadfast in your conviction and ideological purity that you make Betty Friedan look like Betty Crocker. This mix would make Valerie Solanas reappraise the merits of the X chromosome. This mix would turn Rita Mae Brown into a man-identified woman. Think of it as trial by ordeal.

On to the music! 19 tracks, beginning and ending with the most eloquent of hip-hop’s misogynists, Jeru the Damaja. To give you an idea of the dominant tone, the name “Jezebel” appears in no less than three songs.

Play “Mixogyny” in sequence:

1) Jeru the Damaja – Da Bitchez

Jeru claims in this masterful polemic against the fairer sex that he’s not a misogynist, but true misogynists, sort of like Jews and gays, can effortlessly identify one of their own.

2) Elvis – Hard-Headed Woman

The King doubts the queens.

3) Capleton – Good in Her Clothes

This rousing dancehall number is actually a paean to the virtues of modesty, but as we are all aware, implying that so-called virtuous women are, well, more virtuous than their more exposed sistren is as much an affront to feminism as glass-based architecture.

4) The Soulmates – Pussy Catch A Fire

Maintaining the Jamaican groove, the Soulmates conduct a thorough investigation of the flammability of man’s favorite orifice.

5) Parliament – Handcuffs

Parliament is willing to take drastic steps in the name of love, and they don’t care if they look like a chauvinistic kind of whatever. Quite possibly the sweetest invocation of the threat of chastity belting ever captured on tape.

6) D’Angelo ft. Method Man and Redman – Left & Right

The ever-dependable and ever-stoned dynamic duo, Method Man and Redman, gleefully skewer D’Angelo’s falsetto-wafting loverman act with the crudest come-ons this side of your alma mater’s Pi Kappa Alpha chapter, and also a somewhat inexplicable Happy Days reference.

7) Del tha Funkee Homosapien – Money For Sex

Del, in keeping with a venerable hip-hop tradition, views women’s perfectly natural desire for economic security with considerable ambivalence.

8 ) Niney – Look Pon Pussy

“Wouldja look ‘pon that? Damndest thing I ever saw! Looks…kinda like the Sarlacc from Return of the Jedi…”

9) Amy Winehouse – Fuck Me Pumps

Women can be misogynists too (and really, they should know best). Amy validates the patriarchy by affirming that if you, like the news, get pressed every day, you may well be a skag. And really, she should know best.

10) Bob Marley & the Wailers – Adam and Eve

Remember next time you hold up Bob Marley as a revolutionary radical prophet that he once blithely sang “Woman is the root of all evil.” That’s so Peter Tosh of him!

11) Fleetwood Mac – Black Magic Woman

Peter Green, typically, fears the potent magick naturally flowing forth from the yoni of every wommon.

12) Frank Zappa – Jewish Princess

If the Bnai Brith lodged a protest, it must be good.

13) Funkadelic – No Head No Backstage Pass

Funkadelic lays down the debasing LAW.

14) Lauryn Hill – Doo Wop (That Thing)

In the drunken, shrieked words of my Papist compatriot, she has a voice like an angel. A motherfucking angel.

15) Dizzee Rascal – Jezebel

It may sound like a cautionary indictment of a certain type of young woman, but it’s really just chauvinist propaganda.

16) Raekwon (ft. Ghostface Killah) – Wisdom Body

When I get a bitch, I got a bitch. I also considered the wonderfully coarse “Ice Cream” off the same album, notable for Ghostface’s use of the rare Biblically-inflected pick-up line: “Your whole shell, baby, is wicked like Nimrod.” Ay yo, peep it, I know you love Sefer Bereishit.

17) Run-D.M.C. – Dumb Girl

Rappers were railing against the scourge of gold-mining women even in the mid-1980s.

18) Vincent Foster – Shine Eye Girl

Reggae artists share the same concerns as their spiritual descendants in hip-hop. Vincent Foster stresses the importance of fiscal responsibility in relationships.

19) Jeru the Damaja – Me or the Papes

And right back to Jeru, who responds to the controversy engendered by “Da Bitchez” with…yet another scathing denunciation of pink-toned materialism. Also featuring DJ Premier production at its finest.

Now isn’t that mix the most compelling argument for misogyny since Oprah’s vanilla-flavored ascendancy? Don’t you just want to run right out and repeal Roe vs. Wade?