Oh, this world.
November 13th, 2007 by michael
All I wanted to do was look up how long sparkling white wine stays sparkling once it’s been opened. So I began typing something to that effect in the Google search bar in Firefox, which attempts to save you time by displaying a list of popular searches that begin with what you’ve typed. I got as far as “how long does” when it presented me with this list of options:
- how long does marijuana stay in your system
(Depends.)
- how long does cocaine stay in your system
(Not long enough, considering how much it costs.)
- how long does it take to get a passport
- how long does weed stay in your system
- how long does alcohol stay in your system
(Long enough to make the next morning pretty unpleasant.)
- how long does it take to get pregnant
(Anywhere from 3 seconds for low-income teenagers up to 3 years for financially successful couples in their mid-40s who “waited until they were secure.”)
- how long does implantation bleeding last
(Who cares about a little hemorrhaging? Check out how fantastic your tits look now!)
- how long does pot stay in your system
- how long does marijuana stay in system
- how long does thc stay in your system
Ladies and gentlemen, Kosher Eucharist in conjunction with Google presents to you America’s most pressing concerns: getting stoned, getting high, getting out of the country, getting stoned, getting drunk, getting knocked up, getting new tits, getting stoned, getting stoned and getting stoned.
It also turns out that sparkling wine loses its sparkle pretty fast, so this should be an interesting evening.
Posted in coffin varnish, bea arthur |
November 13th, 2007 at 7:13
You know what I always make a point to do when I’m using someone’s computer? Go to google and type in every letter of the alphabet to see what they’ve googled. It’s underhanded and somewhat bizarre, I realize, but you really learn a lot about friends and loved ones this way.
I’ve never told anyone that before…I feel oddly close to you right now. Hold me.
November 13th, 2007 at 18:19
Michael,
Come to New York and be my roommate. Seriously, I think this needs to happen. Oh my god, I’m on the verge of becoming your stalker. This is not healthy.
November 13th, 2007 at 20:58
this thing you bring up, the high prioritization of getting stoned amongst computer (semi) literate Americans— If Ron Paul gets the republican nomination, this is why. For that matter, jumping on the marijuana bandwagon (whee!) might be Barack Obama’s only hope.
November 13th, 2007 at 21:48
Yay! Our one-time readers have not utterly forsaken us in our absence!
BD - you’re not the only person lately giving me the “come to New York” elbow. While I appreciate the many positive attributes of the city of my fortuitous birth, please refer to the Sanrio-brand Hello Automat! on St. Mark’s mentioned in my previous post to understand why I can never live in New York.
Yoisef - I would vote for Ron Paul, or Barack Obama, or, hell, Mitt Romney if they were for the legalization of weed. Not because I like any of these men, and not even because I smoke a lot of (I don’t lately), but imagine: being able to walk into a well-lit, clean mercantile establishment wherein one could buy ganja from a sober professional who would never ask you to share your purchase. A marijuananist. Oh, sweet legalization.
Patsy - it’s because of people like you that I made sure to disable that feature on Google. I don’t need any friends discovering that I drunk-Google-Imaged Zelda Fitzgerald at 4 AM.
November 14th, 2007 at 11:28
I object! You can not discount an entire city based on the singular instance of an unwise design scheme in an otherwise decent idea. (That place is unlikely to last another year. In its current incarnation, it should have been placed in midtown Disneyworld where it could be even easier to ignore.)
Come here and see NYC properly and at length, damn you.
All of the locals who ascribe to the Updike view of New York (”The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding”) will make sure you’ll never be able to live without ready access to dim sum, marijuana delivery services, the Union Square Greenmarket, $15 opera tickets, old time candy shops, video game lounges, restaurant supply stores, the Chrysler Building, the Performing Arts Library and so forth. If you became BD’s roommate, I’d even promise to rethink my departure.
November 14th, 2007 at 11:34
The true New Yorker hasn’t visited enough places that aren’t New Jersey to justify that belief.
November 14th, 2007 at 12:13
On that, my dear, you are incorrect.
November 14th, 2007 at 19:18
As a fellow New Yorker (truth be told WESTERN NY) down staters always forget the large chunk of a state hanging above you.
That being said I do think one could get almost everything a little heart desires spread out in the state of New York. You know, if you want fresh air, apples, skiing things of that nature along with all the great things NYC has to offer. So really, the state is near perfect. Aside from the poorly run government fat cats in Albany…that is why they stuck them in a shit town.