Since the response to our “fag hag / violent homosexual rape” post was so positive, albeit kind of awkwardly eager, Kosher Eucharist Presents: Every Man’s Greatest Fear; or, Take My Wife, And Kill Her, Please:
Chris: We must never marry.
What if we married and had Couple Dates?
“If we invite the Lastnames, we’ll have to invite the Other-Lastnames.”
Us, our wives, and two other couples. Around the table. Talking about tapas and our wonderful trips to Helsinki.
Michael: Oh…oh God.
Chris: We are standing in the front yard with beer.
Your wife and my “Wife” are making Arugula Yam Compote, failing, and calling Boston Market.
Thanksgiving, 2014.
A bungalow for four is rented in Oaxaca.
One wife spends the whole time crying.
Michael: The other spends the whole time insecure about her bathing suit.
Chris: An elaborate lie is constructed so we have a weekend in Atlantic City.
Michael: I almost want to cry.
Chris: This is so terrifying.
One of the marriages fails.
The strain of “Trying to be friends with them both” causes the other to collapse.
Michael: “We brought you here today because we love you very much, and we’re worried about you, and we want to talk to you about your drinking.”
Chris: Screaming recriminations.
“It’s Chris’ fault. Any MAN who cheats is an asshole.”
“It’s Carlos’ fault. I don’t like him.”
AA.
“Hello, Michael.”
Tokens.
Michael: Muffled sobs coming from the bedroom.
Chris: A divorce lawyer.
Michael: “Your honor, is there any way that I could not have visiting rights?”
Chris: Children.
Syler if it’s a boy, and Skylar if it’s a girl.
“Chris, I want to consider moving to state with more liberal adoption laws.”
Imagine that phrase.
Michael: “Michael, we’re late for Lamaze.”
“Michael, you’re not breathing with me.”
Chris: “Chris, your lovemaking is distant recently.”
Michael: “Michael, I think this is a good time to bring up my feelings on circumcision.”
Chris: “Chris, I want my mother to move in with us.”
“Chris, I want your mother to move in with us.”
“Chris, I want you to hold me. No, not like that.”
Michael:”Michael, I’ve been reading about the macrobiotic diet, and…”
Chris: “Chris, I’ve booked us a package tour to Ibiza.”
Michael: “Michael, let’s spend a year in an old villa in Tuscany.”
Chris: “Chris, I’ve been learning about Eastern religions.”
“Chris, let’s spend some time at a commune in the Pacific Northwest, so we can really reconnect.”
Michael: “Michael, I want the children to be raised in both faiths.”
“So they can choose for themselves.”
Chris: “Chris, I want us to be secular humanists.”
“Chris, I love you forever.”
Michael: “Michael, kiss me like you did in Jerusalem.”
“Michael, look me in the eyes.”
Chris: “Chris, I want you to fall asleep inside me.”
Michael: And finally, they arrive at the nuclear option.
Chris: Let’s post this one.
They want drunk conversation logs, they’ll fucking get them.
Remember, remember, the Fifth of December,