Battleaxe.
December 3rd, 2007 by chris
Since the response to our “fag hag / violent homosexual rape” post was so positive, albeit kind of awkwardly eager, Kosher Eucharist Presents: Every Man’s Greatest Fear; or, Take My Wife, And Kill Her, Please:
Chris: We must never marry.
What if we married and had Couple Dates?
“If we invite the Lastnames, we’ll have to invite the Other-Lastnames.”
Us, our wives, and two other couples. Around the table. Talking about tapas and our wonderful trips to Helsinki.
Michael: Oh…oh God.
Chris: We are standing in the front yard with beer.
Your wife and my “Wife” are making Arugula Yam Compote, failing, and calling Boston Market.
Thanksgiving, 2014.
A bungalow for four is rented in Oaxaca.
One wife spends the whole time crying.
Michael: The other spends the whole time insecure about her bathing suit.
Chris: An elaborate lie is constructed so we have a weekend in Atlantic City.
Michael: I almost want to cry.
Chris: This is so terrifying.
One of the marriages fails.
The strain of “Trying to be friends with them both” causes the other to collapse.
Michael: “We brought you here today because we love you very much, and we’re worried about you, and we want to talk to you about your drinking.”
Chris: Screaming recriminations.
“It’s Chris’ fault. Any MAN who cheats is an asshole.”
“It’s Carlos’ fault. I don’t like him.”
AA.
“Hello, Michael.”
Tokens.
Michael: Muffled sobs coming from the bedroom.
Chris: A divorce lawyer.
Michael: “Your honor, is there any way that I could not have visiting rights?”
Chris: Children.
Syler if it’s a boy, and Skylar if it’s a girl.
“Chris, I want to consider moving to state with more liberal adoption laws.”
Imagine that phrase.
Michael: “Michael, we’re late for Lamaze.”
“Michael, you’re not breathing with me.”
Chris: “Chris, your lovemaking is distant recently.”
Michael: “Michael, I think this is a good time to bring up my feelings on circumcision.”
Chris: “Chris, I want my mother to move in with us.”
“Chris, I want your mother to move in with us.”
“Chris, I want you to hold me. No, not like that.”
Michael:”Michael, I’ve been reading about the macrobiotic diet, and…”
Chris: “Chris, I’ve booked us a package tour to Ibiza.”
Michael: “Michael, let’s spend a year in an old villa in Tuscany.”
Chris: “Chris, I’ve been learning about Eastern religions.”
“Chris, let’s spend some time at a commune in the Pacific Northwest, so we can really reconnect.”
Michael: “Michael, I want the children to be raised in both faiths.”
“So they can choose for themselves.”
Chris: “Chris, I want us to be secular humanists.”
“Chris, I love you forever.”
Michael: “Michael, kiss me like you did in Jerusalem.”
“Michael, look me in the eyes.”
Chris: “Chris, I want you to fall asleep inside me.”
Michael: And finally, they arrive at the nuclear option.
Chris: Let’s post this one.
They want drunk conversation logs, they’ll fucking get them.
Posted in we love puppies |
December 3rd, 2007 at 8:43
This makes me wish that I could be in Israel/New Zealand to be friends with you guys in person.
December 3rd, 2007 at 13:06
Still, I want pics.
December 3rd, 2007 at 13:36
For some reason I read this as if I was married to one of you.
I AM A BITCH. But it would be a kick ass wedding!
The Pacific Northwest is not all it is cracked up to be, I would never make you move to a commune…I suck at sharing.
December 3rd, 2007 at 16:53
Annie - we both moved back to America.
Huw - you’ll get your damn fratrape / ennui porn. Be patient.
Everyone - we forgot to mention sharp kicks under the table and “Shh!”
December 3rd, 2007 at 20:12
From now on, we are no longer writing posts, since the only thing people seem to respond to are our morally bankrupt private conversations.
Also:
- “I won us front row Sting tickets from the radio!”
- “How can you be so irresponsible with our money?”
- “Don’t you ever think about anyone but yourself?”
- “No, you cannot have a subwoofer, Ashley needs braces.”
- “What happened to the man I married?”
- “Tell me I’m pretty.”
December 3rd, 2007 at 23:41
Je pense que s’agit…l’espoir parce que l’espoir est important pour…les gens.
December 4th, 2007 at 1:26
Je suis envie aller a France… parce que la France est… tres beau…
December 4th, 2007 at 1:30
Je ne veux pas travailler, non, je ne veux pas dejeuner, je ve seulement oublier, et puis je fume.
December 4th, 2007 at 6:12
Not as turned on as last time…
December 4th, 2007 at 6:51
“Chris! Is THIS what you do when I’m at work?! I come home early and you’re standing nude above a prostrate, well-muscled man with a Delta Kappa shoulder tattoo and sideways-cocked baseball hat, offering him a cold can of Natty Ice in return for ‘lapping it all up like a good little slut’, and every time he reaches for it, Michael slams him so hard in the teeth with a whiskey bottle that blood gushes out of his mouth onto the floor, and he’s blubbering like a little girl for his ‘bros’? I want a divorce!”
Does that fulfill your exacting requirements for j/o material, boys?
December 4th, 2007 at 7:01
Oh, that’s so very much better for me.
Thanks, Michael.
You know just how I like it.
December 4th, 2007 at 13:02
“Before you get caught up in this ‘divorce’ thing, can you bring Blake here - I mean, uh, Chad… Fuck it. Can you bring Orifice here a towel? Remember, he has to ask for it. And see if Michael wants a sandwich or anything. By the way, I do this because you’re frigid.”
December 4th, 2007 at 14:02
Michael, my wife thinks you and I are having an affair.
December 4th, 2007 at 16:03
I didn’t not post the second time. There is an impostor on this site who posts the exact same thing as me, at the exact same time I post it. Asshole.
December 4th, 2007 at 16:14
Can you imagine having an affair with Michael? It would just be disinterest and reggae. You might as well marry him.
December 4th, 2007 at 16:16
“Chris, why don’t you look at me when we make love?”
December 4th, 2007 at 18:04
Mayer - it’s time you admitted to Tamar, who deserves honesty, that we are. It’s the classic “sex-for-Linton Kwesi Johnson” scenario.
December 4th, 2007 at 22:20
more like “arak-for LKJ”
December 5th, 2007 at 3:49
Oh please. You also had someone to pack your nargilah (aaaaall night long) and read the King James Version with you. Yeah, we had us a pretty sordid thing.
If you want to assuage the lovely Tamar’s doubts about the nature of our relationship, though, tell her that I was the only person present when it suddenly entered into your anise-addled brain that you should, perhaps, propose to her over Passover, and I encouraged you to do it. What if I had told you it was a bad idea?! You might have listened to me. Everyone listens to me.
December 5th, 2007 at 14:17
It’s true, but I’m starting to think that maybe it was to encourage the facade of respectability… a la the fairy prince’s “marriage” the French hottie in Braveheart.
Even funnier… in spell check, “hottie” comes up as “hog-tie.”
December 6th, 2007 at 9:35
SHE-WOLF OF FRANCE!
December 6th, 2007 at 10:37
Hey man, show some respect. She carried the seed of a Wallace.
December 6th, 2007 at 13:37
Not in the actual world, though, and I defy you not to enjoy screaming “SHE-WOLF OF FRANCE!”
December 6th, 2007 at 21:18
Personally, I much more enjoy casting the lovers-turned-viziers of my sallow, effeminate sons out of high windows.
Interesting Historical Fact: Edward ben Longshanks preferred to neglect his princely duties in favor of sailing and carpentry, which were apparently the era’s equivalents of fashion design and hairstyling.