2008!
January 16th, 2008 by chris
LOL LATE
Yeah, yeah, we didn’t post for a while. We moved, it was holidays, and for about a week I couldn’t look at the blog without screeching “SORRY TO RAIN ON YOUR HATE PARADE!” Save me from dour Yiddishists. Anyway, yeah. So Mikeleh, who I’m thinking of calling “This White Man’s Burden” and I have been living in what used to be the stable of my aunt’s house and tripping over piles of detritus since mid-December. There was only one bed in the room when we got there, so we have no idea if my family thinks we’re asshole buddies or not. Mike has already been invited to both family weddings taking place this year, and his birthday is written in the calendar, so… make of this what you will. We’re about to move into Ancestral Home / Bagach, a WONDERFUL and brightly colored house my cousin is vacating to marry her handsome, employed fiance. We may raise chickens. Anyway, to change the subject as rapidly and jarringly as a woman looking up from a blow job and saying “I want to have a baby,” here are my New Year’s Resolutions.
1) I will do that health shit.
Vegetables, fiber, flossing, blah blah blah.
2) I will keep up with my book club.
Because I am a bookish spinster.
3) I will finally beat “Super Castlevania IV.”
I have been trying since I was eight. I could never get past the pterodatyl-skeleton-monster.THINGS ARE GONNA CHANGE THIS YEAR, PTERODACTYL-SKELETON-MONSTER. PRAY TO YOUR FOSSILIZED, 32-BIT GOD, BECAUSE I WITH MY MUSCULAR THIGHS AND WEIRD LONG CHAIN WILL END YOU.
4) I will go to Lourdes.
The pope has apparently offered a SUPER dispensation for visits to Lourdes in this 150th anniversary year, and after a certain incident in an alley in Christchurch last year, I’d like to reset my Purgatory clock. In my defense, he looked like he was at least fifteen.
5 and most important) I will have sex with a Canadian.
Mikeleh, in his more playful moods, likes to call me “a whore.” Apparently, having a blank wall map on which you color in the countries of origin of your conquests, with the goal of amassing a giant contiguous “empire” somehow implies promiscuity. I consider it a perfectly reasonable expression of my inner creative self, which likes to fuck brown dudes.
Anyway. Contiguity. There’s a big blank patch cutting Alaska off from the Lower 48, and that cold, white stretch of the map reminds me of the cold, white stretch of North America I’ve never… sampled.
Seriously, how have I not by now? I feel like I’ve had a reasonably full life: I’ve fled a natural disaster. I’ve slept with a Colombian. I’ve been an “internally displaced person.” I’ve slept with an Italian. I’ve graduated from college. I’ve slept with a Mexican. I’ve lived abroad. I’ve slept with a Greek. I’ve been to the Holy Land. I’ve slept with a New Zealander. I’ve performed at Lincoln Center. I’ve slept with an Englishman.
How have I not had a Canadian? I have not mounted a mountie, tapped for maple syrup, or scored a goalie. Nor have I… that’s all I know about Canada. It’s cold and they have the Queen. It’s… up there. Laughing at me. But you wait, Canada. I’ll get you yet. It might be a tall, expressionless mountie. It might be a prim, cheese-smelling Quebecois. It might be a dour Maritime lobsterman, or even - although, God, I hope not - a stoned, filthy, dreadlocked, hackey-sacked British Columbia hippie. But it will happen, Canada. By 2009, one of your boys will have a warm, itchy memory of me, and I’ll have a big red colored-in space above home.
Posted in we love puppies |
January 16th, 2008 at 8:40
I wish you were in my bookclub (I’m also a bookish spinster), as some of the girls are just too stupid for life.
Also, I’m giggling at the idea of actually creating an empire out of sexual conquests.
January 16th, 2008 at 12:02
We solved that problem by having a book club with only two people in it. This adds, of course, the problem that it is obvious if I haven’t read the book.
The Empire is probably the most fun project I’ve ever had. It adds a special spice to the classic game “Gay… or European?”
January 16th, 2008 at 19:35
When did you perform at Lincoln Center?
January 16th, 2008 at 23:46
Or the game we used to play in college (popularized by Conan or one of those other late night hacks) “Gay… or French Canadien?”
January 17th, 2008 at 0:18
A Canadian will rock your world.
January 17th, 2008 at 2:23
Rocking one’s world is ultimately less important, however, than rocking one’s can.
Mayer, remember Laya’s favorite game of the Tirat Laybecca era, “Gay…or Israeli?”
The same game can be played with Arabs, although generally the consequences are more dire.
January 17th, 2008 at 12:13
Rachel - High School. I won the Austin Shakespeare contest and that’s where nationals were held.
Huw - I expect nothing less from the Great Self-Effacing North.
January 17th, 2008 at 12:39
1) YOU STOLE THE FLOSSING IDEA FROM ME HO BAG
2) Yeah well…I have my own book club and it is awesome and you can’t join!*
3) I have tried to beat Zelda on my old school game boy since 1994 I have given up. I don’t know if this resolution is awesome or shows how you are stubborn.
4) I too will go to Lourdes I need a chance to get rid of this catholic guilt. I love the idea that we can go to Lourdes see a grotto go to heaven and still be homosexy. I am starting to like this new pope.
5) Does it kill you in my very short list of sexual conquests I can include a CANADIAN. The accents make me swoon. To quote a song “g-d’s gift to us is Canadian girls”
Question: Why is learn how to play mahjong in wife beaters and undies in the Pacific Northwest with Eddie not on your to do list?
Ps I like to play dyke or German. Or dyke or Midwestern mom.
PSS Michael does it burn you that I am going to a wedding with Chris and you are not even though is family thinks you are butt boyfriends?!? Guess I am a better sham girlfriend.
*Anyone not Chris want to start a book club? By book club I mean drink and watch TV on DVD.
January 17th, 2008 at 18:38
Lo, devest a sheep, and call me thou Uncle Jim-Bob…I thought you were kidding.
January 17th, 2008 at 18:40
“Thy”, not “thou”. Silly me.
January 17th, 2008 at 20:05
Ahhh, the boys are back. Happy happy day!
January 18th, 2008 at 9:31
You know, until we get distracted again.
January 18th, 2008 at 19:33
Hmm. How far is Lourdes from Paris? The (Canadian) BF and I are supposed to be in Paris in September. If it all comes off as plan, it could be fun to multi-task the trip: see Paris, sleep with a Canadian and collect an indulgence all on one round-trip ticket. I’d be happy to sell it to anyone who needed it…
January 18th, 2008 at 20:06
Huw - Lourdes is about as far as you can get from Paris while still being in France. Think “Andorra.”
Eddie - No, because I’m invited. I would just rather spend my money on obscure liquor and Charles Mingus.
January 19th, 2008 at 9:41
Ah poo. But, seriously, how far is “as far away” in Europe? Google says it’s a 7 hour drive… ok.
Well, I’ll enjoy myself anyway. I’ve not been on the continent of Europe since I was an exchange student in what was then called West Germany (too many trips to Ireland kept me otherwise occupied!)
Off to indulge in ageing Xer cold-war memories
January 22nd, 2008 at 12:41
Michael-The doc on Charles Mingus was pretty much required viewing in my high school for all music/theater nerds. One class (I think it was music theory) watched it every year. Liquor and Jazz it is hard to tear those two apart.
January 25th, 2008 at 20:37
MiMi is Canadian.