Kosher Eucharist / יוקאריסט כשר

Oh, great Caesar’s fucking ghost.

Faithful readers of this erratically updated blog will recall that I have, at best, a deeply ambiguous relationship with what has chosen to anoint itself “the gay community.” On the one hand, boys and the Scissor Sisters. On the other hand, grown men calling each other “girl,” Sex on the Beaches (Sexes on the Beach?), Madonna, organizations with the words “lavender” and “pink” in the titles, gay drama, “condom fatigue” (are you fucking kidding me?), being lumped in with transsexuals and the intersexed for no real reason at all except that it’s easy to have all the freaks in one place, strangers asking me if I “pitch” or “catch,” strangers touching me, coconut rum, and “Queer As Folk.” My friend Nora says I’m one of only two actual, factual gay people she knows who complains about “faggots” - the other is her officemate from Houma, Louisiana, who explained to her that “you know, there are gay people and there are faggots. Like how there are niggers and black people.”

So, yeah, I go on tirades about “Goddamn fairies” that could be lifted from the Fred Phelps Christmas album, “The Only Goddamn Showtune You’ll Ever Hear Me Sing Is ‘Ain’t Nothin’ Like A Dame’ From South Pacific.’” And yeah, I don’t like the cookie-cutter girly squeaky all-I-am-and-ever-shall-be-is-a-big-ol’-mo pansies. But do you know who pisses me off always as much?

Fucking, Goddamn, straight people making a fucking point.

I tried to discuss this at the time, but I was too busy scrambling for my digitalis to do so. Remember when J. K. LGBT. Rowling announced that Dumbledore was family? And there was hue and motherfucking cry? Jesus wept! That was the stupidest goat-ass media storm since that whole flap about “Iraq,” or wherever. A minor character in a series of fucking children’s books, for children, is gay in the author’s mind. There’s not even (apparently) textual evidence for it. And everyone cared. People were happy about it. Over-fucking-joyed. Happy that an imaginary wizard had a very hard life and was stung by unrequited love because of a deeply held secret. Seldom have puerility and insensitivity made such an awkward marriage.

And, fuck. Bareback Mountain? Give me a Goddamn break. Yes, it was a very good movie. Yes, Heath Ledger (God rest his soul) and Jake Gyllelenehyellall and the sweeping vistas of British Columbia were all visual treats. It did not “change the way I thought about film,” in the words of one reviewer, and it certainly didn’t change the way I felt about love. It changed the way I felt about drinking games and Jake Gy….ll. It did not roll the sky up like a scroll. It’s well-acted hot guys on a mountain. Calm down.

And now, even the fucking cartoons are in on it. From Defamer:

The Advocate: Which character do gay fans respond to the most?

Seth McFarlane: Generally they respond to Stewie, because he’s arguably the most complex character. …we delved into the idea of his confused sexuality. We all feel that Stewie is almost certainly gay… we treat him oftentimes as if we were writing a gay character.

The Advocate: If a house party full of America’s gay celebrities literally burst into flames, which one would you run in to save first?

Seth McFarlane: John Travolta. But if he’s not there for some reason, how about David Hyde Pierce? I’m acquainted with him and he’s a good man. And if we ever did a Family Guy Broadway musical, we would need him to play Stewie?

Je. Sus. Wept. Patronizing much? They treat him as if they were writing a gay character… how? I know, I’ve seen the show, I like the show, but how do they treat him like they’re writing a gay character aside from the blatant gay references? Are there pages of Tennessee Williams-esque stage directions including phrases like “After having masturbated to a picture of Andy Roddick, Stewie comes in?” Does the staff take a Gloria Gaynor moment? I’m not even going to get into the “Towering Queenferno” question, because I can’t even articulate why it’s maddening, but it is. What really strips my screw is that people are going to hail this as a “victory” for gay rights. You know what was a victory for gay rights? Lawrence v. Texas. Remember? The Supreme Court case where we got rights? Not a fucking cartoon infant.

And you know who really, really annoy me? The straight couples who refuse to marry until “every American has the right to love!” La-dee-fucking-dah. Don’t do me no favors, kid. What, they think they’re gonna put Justices of the Peace out of business? Las Vegas Elvises lining up for unemployment? Ministers moonlighting at the gas station? IT WON’T DO A FUCKING THING EXCEPT IMPRESS YOUR FUCKING BERKELEY FRIENDS. I feel like these people’s parents insisted on going to the black high school, and that their distant forefathers stole one of the smallpox blankets from the Indians. Useless fucking gestures. Are the stationery companies going to riot and make Congress let the fags wed, because no one is buying first-anniversary paper? Give me a fucking break. You know what my real, actual friends do about my homosexuality?

Treat me like a person, not a sideshow attraction, and occasionally introduce me to a nice boy. Because they’re my friends. And I don’t give a good Goddamn who, if, when, or how they marry.

“Fuck” count for this post: 12
“Goddamn” count for this post: 5
Number of dollars I bet you someone comments on this post only to complain about my use of the word “nigger”: 5