Kosher Eucharist / יוקאריסט כשר

So, the other day, Mikeleh and I went out for lunch. At 5:30. We enjoyed some delicious Mexican food (the first person who pipes up with “it’s not Mexican, it’s Tex-Mex” can suck my blistered pole) and drove back to the house content and sated.

We arrived at the house to see Aunt and Cousin’s Fiance wrestling (rassling, really) the dogs into the back of Aunt’s pickup. Cousin came over to the car and said, “Well, a lot of terrible things happened just now.” So, of course, my mind flipped through Arabs, Communists, drug-resistant staph, tornadoes, a Hilarity Clinton win in… anything, cancer, famine…

“That dog you found got into the chicken yard and killed all the chickens.”

Michael stared fixedly into space. I covered my mouth like a matron interrupting a hand job after lights-out. We held these poses as Cousin went through the body count (70% mortality rate among hens) and a lurid description of a wheelbarrow full of dead chickens. “Anyway. we’re taking the dogs to the other house and putting them in the yard. You should… not be here. Aunt’s Boyfriend is… y’all should not be here.”

So we drive to the other house.

Me: I am so embarrassed.

Kike: Oh, my God.

Me: I am so embarrassed.

Kike: Does Aunt’s Boyfriend have a gun?

Me: I am so embarrassed.

Kike: This is terrible. Oh, God.

Me: I am so embarrassed.

Kike: That was a serious question about the gun.

At the other house, Cousin and Cousin’s Fiance had a talk about how gross the blood on the dog is. Aunt shared some dog training tips: “I’ve been too busy. Boyfriend has had plenty of time to take that dog to the chicken yard, show him a chicken, and tell him ‘no.’ That’s all you have to do. I’d've done it, but I’m too busy. Anyway, it’ll blow over. Boyfriend will start drinking in two or three hours and he’ll calm down. We should all stay away from the house until then.”

So we dorve to Nearby Town and bought Aunt and Aunt’s Boyfriend a gift. Then we go drunk with Cousin and Cousin’s Fiance. Then we snuck back into Aunt’s house, c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y and q-u-i-e-t-l-y. Aunt heard us, of course, and got up up to tell us that “peace reigned in thouse house once more,” and they had had a chicken funeral earlier.

Then, today, a wildfire nearly burned down part of town (really,) marking the fifth time somewhere I live has been wholly or partly evacuated for a natural disaster. (Jarrell tornado outbreak, Ivan, Katrina, Rita, and random wildfire.) There’s never a dull moment out here.