Allons, donc enfants de la patrie (bienvenue aux allemands.)
January 31st, 2008 by chris
It fits the meter pretty well, doesn’t it? If my French hadn’t decayed so much, I’d try to write out a whole collaborationist version of “La Marseillaise,” but I had a hard enough time even getting camping supplies when I went to New Caledonia.
I have a new goal. Remember how I made that generic fitness New Year’s Resolution, like everyone does every year? I’ve made it more specific.
By the end of this year, I am going to meet the recommended minimum entrance requirements for the French Foreign Legion, according to random guy on the internet who claims to have been a Legionnaire.
You probably assume, as I did, that the minimum physical requirements for anything French were “Eat a wedge of brie in one minute without throwing up, successfully make love to a woman who hasn’t bathed in ten days, and run away from a threat.” Turns out that’s for the regular French Army. The Legion is more hardcore, probably because it’s full of foreigners. Here are the recommended minimum physical entry requirements, according to Dude Who Was In It And Wrote A Book:
- 30 pushups.
- 50 situps.
- Climb a 20 foot rope without using your feet.
- Run 8 kilometres with a 12 kilogram rucksack in less than one hour.
- 8 chinups with your palms away from you as you grip the bar.
This will be incredibly difficult, but at the end I will be a titan. A juggernaut. A terrifying war god. An avatar of virility. And I will get mad tail. I refuse to allow a French person to be stronger than me. I want it to be a conscious decision that I’m not in the Foreign Legion, breaking up riots in French Whateveria, every day.
Also, the tail.
I will inform you of my progress, or Mikeleh will inform you of my hospitalization.
Posted in we love puppies |
January 31st, 2008 at 13:45
I don’t believe you can do the rope thing. I’ll believe it all but the rope thing.
January 31st, 2008 at 14:14
Actually, I’m not so sure about the running either, to tell you the truth (without the pack, hell yeah).
And I didn’t see the “without using your feet” part.
Scratch that.
But wait–kin I substitute 100 push-ups for using my feet when I climb the rope?
Get back to me on that one.
January 31st, 2008 at 14:18
No!
January 31st, 2008 at 16:50
You’ll be come and even greater weapon of mass seduction.
February 2nd, 2008 at 1:32
I think you’re going to fail when you realize you have no fucking idea what 12 kilograms and 8 kilometers are.
February 2nd, 2008 at 22:28
I lived in a metric country for nine months.
February 4th, 2008 at 20:16
I lived in a metric country for nine months.
Causes brain damage, doesn’t it?
February 14th, 2008 at 20:42
Well, I’ll be at your house tomorrow. I’ll show you what we used to do in the IDF. I mean, besides hassling pregnant women.
March 3rd, 2008 at 6:58
Nu?
March 7th, 2008 at 10:40
not sure if you heard yet… but Keys up and got herself knocked up. I mean engaged.
April 24th, 2008 at 23:52
Listen… you guys have no idea who I am. I am a friend of a friend of a friend, but needless to say, I’m obsessed with your blog and I really can’t go much longer without an update. I need some more koshereucharist asap. so please, carry on.
May 8th, 2008 at 1:52
no seriously, who do I have to blow to get some new KOSHEREUCHARIST.COM, because I’m sound as a pound…